What should you say to your child on the car ride home after football?

Your child gets into the car after football. What do you say?

Do you ask whether they enjoyed it? Talk about the score? Mention the goal they scored, the tackle they missed or the moment they could have passed?

Perhaps you wait for them to speak. Perhaps you wonder whether you should say anything at all.

And who else is listening? A brother or sister? Another parent? A teammate getting a lift home?

It sounds like a simple conversation. But when you care about your child, want them to enjoy football and hope they fulfil their potential, it can be surprisingly difficult to know where to start.

You don’t want to put them under pressure. You don’t want to miss an opportunity to help, either.

So what do they need from you?

Does the journey home need a football conversation?

Think about collecting your child from Cubs, Scouts or Brownies. Would you feel you needed to review their performance?

What about a music lesson, gymnastics or a day at school?

You might ask how it went. You would probably listen if something had upset them. But would you feel responsible for identifying what they should do better next time?

Team sport can make that feel like part of the parent’s job.

Perhaps it is because you have watched the whole game. You have opinions about what happened. You have given up part of your weekend, and you want your child to make the most of the opportunity.

You might also worry that other children are improving faster, that your child is falling behind or that their potential needs more encouragement.

Those feelings are understandable. But watching a game doesn’t mean you have to deliver a verdict afterwards.

The journey home doesn’t have to produce a lesson.

Sometimes, a drink, something to eat and a conversation about something completely different are enough.

You watched the game. Your child lived it.

From the touchline, adults see passes, tackles, goals and mistakes.

Inside the game, a child might be experiencing something quite different.

They might be proud of trying a new skill. Worried about letting a friend down. Frustrated that nobody passed to them. Embarrassed by a mistake that everyone else has already forgotten.

Recently, I spoke with a dad whose child’s team was doing very well. The team was winning, and his son was getting plenty of playing time. Yet he was still very hard on himself.

From the outside, things looked positive. For the child, something about the experience was difficult.

The score couldn’t tell us what that was.

Before trying to correct a reaction, it helps to understand it. What happened? What did it mean to them? Were they disappointed, frustrated or embarrassed?

Adults won’t find out by supplying all the answers.

They may want to know that you’re proud of them

In my experience as a coach, many children care deeply about making their parents proud.

That doesn’t necessarily mean a parent has deliberately put pressure on them. Children love their parents. Your opinion matters.

Your child might know that you have work to catch up on, another child to collect or plenty of other demands on your time. They might hear you discussing the cost of training or the effort involved in getting to matches.

Could they feel that they need to play well to make it worthwhile?

When I was young, my dad used to take me cross-country running on Sundays. We lived in Devon, so that often meant quite a bit of travelling.

I had two younger brothers and a younger sister, and even then I was aware that taking me running was a big commitment of his time.

Dad never complained. I can’t remember whether he ever said, “I enjoy watching you run.” But I do remember feeling slightly guilty about the effort involved.

Looking back, that wasn’t because he had made me feel bad. I simply knew he was doing a lot for me.

That memory makes me wonder how many children quietly feel something similar. A parent can be happy to give their time, while their child worries about taking it up.

That is why I encourage parents to offer a simple reassurance:

“I always enjoy coming to watch you play.”

Say it when you mean it. Let them know that spending time watching them is a pleasure, whatever the score.

They don’t need to earn your enjoyment with a goal or a great performance.

That reassurance can sit alongside an interest in their development. You can want your child to improve while making it clear that your pride in them doesn’t depend on how well they played today.

Look beyond “good player” and “bad game”

Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset offers a useful perspective here. Her research highlights the value of recognising the processes involved in learning, such as strategies, focus and persistence, rather than relying on labels about talent. news.stanford.edu

In football, that might mean noticing a child trying a different approach, practising something difficult or recovering after a mistake.

It also invites adults to think about how a child interprets setbacks.

Does a missed chance mean, “That didn’t work. I could try something else”?

Or does it feel like, “I’m no good”?

The aim isn’t to label a child as having a permanently fixed or growth mindset. It is to listen for what a particular experience means to them.

A child who is angry after a win may be judging themselves against an expectation the adults around them haven’t understood. Telling them, “But you won!” won’t necessarily address what is bothering them.

A little curiosity may help more than immediate reassurance or advice.

What could you say instead?

Nobody knows your child better than you do. These are possibilities, not a script or a list of questions to work through.

You could start with:

“Fancy talking about football, or shall we leave it for now?”

If they want to talk, you might ask:

• “What was your favourite part?”

• “Did you try anything different today?”

• “Was there anything that frustrated you?”

• “What did you think when that happened?”

If they describe a problem, try:

“Would you like an idea, or do you just want me to listen?”

Let their answer lead somewhere. If you ask what they enjoyed and they tell you about laughing with a friend, that is worth hearing. You don’t have to steer the conversation back to passing or positioning.

Questions such as “Why didn’t you shoot?” or “Why didn’t you pass?” may be intended to help, but they can sound like a judgement about a decision the child has already made. Asking “What did you see at that moment?” leaves more room to understand their experience.

And if they don’t want to talk, let that be all right.

It is children’s football. Every journey doesn’t need to become a serious discussion about development.

Be thoughtful about the audience, too. Something a child might discuss privately with you could feel very different with a sibling or teammate listening.

Catch children in, not out

One of my favourite coaching reminders is:

“Let’s catch children in, not out.”

Notice the moments when they try, learn, help and contribute. Be specific and truthful.

“I noticed you went back to help your teammate.”

“You tried that turn again after it didn’t work the first time.”

There is no need to attach a correction to every positive observation.

Most adults recognise the sentence where they can hear the “but” coming:

“You played really well today, but you need to pass more.”

What is the child most likely to carry away? Perhaps that they didn’t pass enough.

Try using “and” where it helps you recognise something more fully:

“I enjoyed watching you today, and I noticed you trying that new turn.”

Changing the word alone won’t change the message. “You played well, and you need to pass more” can still feel like a correction attached to praise.

Sometimes, let the positive observation stand.

Children are still learning how to handle all of this

It is easy to borrow expectations from adult football: the analysis, the criticism, the demand for consistency.

But children are learning the game while also learning how to manage themselves within it.

There is plenty to deal with: the ball, teammates, opponents, instructions, decisions, mistakes and the feelings that follow.

Before adding another instruction from the front seat, consider how much your child has already been trying to process.

That doesn’t mean ignoring unacceptable behaviour. If a child has hurt someone or treated a teammate badly, it needs addressing.

You can acknowledge the feeling and keep a clear boundary:

“I could see you were angry. It’s OK to feel angry. It isn’t OK to hurt someone. When you’re ready, we’ll talk about what happened and what you could do differently.”

Being proud of your child doesn’t mean approving of everything they do. It means helping them learn while keeping your support clear.

What do you want your child to take from football?

At Soccer Shooters our Growing Up Through Football Method is built on PLAY, PROGRESS and PREPARE. Football should be fun with friends, a chance to learn from their own starting point and a way to grow confidence and resilience that lasts long after the result is forgotten.

The years on the touchline and the drives home pass quickly. So here is an invitation for your next journey together: before you start a review, pause and ask yourself one question.

"What does my child need from me right now?"

It might be reassurance or help making sense of the game. It might just be a sandwich and the radio. Let them lead the conversation.

The child who’s excited to try again.